Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna - Review

You do not go to watch Karan Johar movies looking for a thriller action packed roller coaster ride. So its pointless coming out of the theatre cribbing about the glycerine soaked dramatic emotions on display for a complete 3 hours. KANK is 'almost' another Karan Johar special. An enviable star cast, good music, good locales, good clothes, rich people - a perfect example of a designer movie. I said almost because this time around he falters on key accounts as he tries to experiment(though within the ambits of his usual sentimental and emotional stuff) in coming up with a bold story on the theme of extra marital affairs:

- The 'already seen that' narrative of Johar (you can almost guess what the next scene is going to be)
- The 'fallen from grace' character of SRK(The effervescent Rahul making way for the frustrated Dev isn't exactly what SRK fans would like to see I feel)
- The lame reason given for getting into an extra marital affair(I felt that Rani's character left a cool dude like Abhishek to fall for SRK because just like her, he too didn't like to party and because the story writer wouldn't have it any other way) and then extending the length of the film to generate sympathy for the guilty parties.

I would recommend that if you intend to watch the film for some novel experience then you better stay away from it. It is not going to be a milestone in dealing with the issue of out of marriage relationships. There's no point even comparing it to Arth which was realistic to core because KANH is made primarily to get good commercial returns rather than anything else.

Talking of the performances of the lead star cast, Amitabh Bachchan takes the cake with the cherry on the top(Siddhu effect this!). No one other than the Big B could have handled the flamboyant and playboyish role of a 65 year old Sam. He is definitely the high point of the whole enterprise and the on-screen chemistry that he shares with Abhishek is terrific.

Abhishek Bachchan gets to play the role of the 'good man' and he delivers a noteworthy performance. Rani Mukherji and Preity Zinta do not merely play decoration pieces here. They get their share of glycerine moments besides indulging in the regular singing and dancing stuff. SRK looks meek, both character wise and performance wise. I say performance wise not because he could not do justice to the role but because I do not see the evolution in the characters that he has been portraying for the Chopras and Johars since DDLJ. He doesn't even need a director or a dialogue writer now to play these roles, they are getting so predictable and monotonous now. I am sure that King Khan is gonna get back with a bang with Don but its thumbs down for him for KANK.

Music is good - in the Kal Ho Na Ho mould. Cinematography perfect! Lavish sets, good production value but the final product that we get is quite off the mark. Adi Chopra reinvented himself by moving away from the glycerine soaked lovey-dovey romances to more slick and 'in' films like Salaam Namaste and Dhoom post Mohabbatein. Maybe its time Karan Johar too took a stock of things.

Better luck next time Mr. Johar, KANK is not going to boost the sales of tissues this time around!

Omkara - Review

If Macbool was about guilt, Omkara is about jealousy. When it comes from someone who gave us a film like Macbool, expectations automatically rise sky high. And if the film is promoted as well as this one was, there is bound to be a lot of curiosity that ensures a good opening for the film. Omkara sure must have had that but I am not sure whether it can sustain collections in the long run. One, because it must be priced high owing to presence of top notch stars. Two, the dialect is UP centric so it might not have too many takers in the Marathi or Punjab belt and three, excessive use of profanities would keep families away from it.

To say that the film does not live upto its expectations would be doing injustice to the craft of the supremely talented Vishal Bharadwaj and the whole star cast of Omkara that leaves a lasting impression. Tassaduq Hussain, the debutant cinematographer adds value to the product. However, the whole premise of the film seems a bit trifle to me. It looked a bit too much for me to sit through the film which moved with just one agenda - seeing Langda Tyaagi's vicious design taking shape and then culminating in destruction of the characters involved. There was no sub-plot or any respite from the story which moved in just a single track.

Ajay Devgan as Omakara delivers a first rate performance. This was not the first time that he was portraying a silent, brooding character but what was special in this role was the way he brought about that vulnerability in his character. It looked so human!

Konkana Sen Sharma and Kareena do great job too. The best thing about them was that they were the characters they played in the movie. They deserve accolades for their performance.

Viveik(or was it Viviek?) and Bipasha make a mess of whatever they get to do. Vivek's character is not at all strong and he doesn't leave an impact either. The biggest problem with him is that he over exerts himself in a scene to create an impact and he fails miserably. The only natural performance from him was in Company and then he became a star. He needs to get the 'starry' feeling out of his head if he wants to survive. Bipasha is a glam doll. She has been used quite well in the two item numbers 'Beedi Jalaile' and 'Namak' but someone's gotta tell her that just getting into a village belle's attire does not mean that you have gotten into the character. You need to have the diction, the body language correct too. She looks best in a Corporate kind of film. A film based in western UP - not your cup of tea Bipasha.

The actor who comes out trumps in this whole affair is Saif Ali Khan however. He delivers the knock out punch as Langda Tyaagi. This guy is well set to take over the mantle from Aamir Khan. He looks like one complete actor on the scene who has the guts to play a metrosexual Nikhil Arora in Salam Namaste, the goofy Rohit Patel in Kal Ho Na Ho, the suave villain in Ek Haseena Thi and the wicked Langda Tyaagi in Omkara. To say that he was good int he film would be an understatement. Awards are sure to rain for this guy for this performance.

Now comes direction. Vishal Bharadwaj knows it too well. The industry has got two wonderful story tellers of late - Madhur Bhandarkar and him. Be it Makdee, Mackbool or Omkara, Vishal has always made sure that each of his movies has someting to tell. Its nothing different with Omkara. He explores how jealousy can lead to destruction . The film has a very dark ending so if you have a liking for the candy floss romance, keep away from this.

The whole set up looks straight out of life and my hunch is that Vishal has the adaptation of Julius Ceaser in his mind now to complete the trilogy - Macbool(guilt), Omkara(jealousy) Julius Caeser(betrayal).

Music of this film has not been too much talked about. The duo of Gulzar and Vishal Bharadwaj deliver yet again. The music is earthy, gels well with the film and yes, very much saleable too.

Do go and watch Omkara for the sake of the brilliance of Vishal and the reinvented Saif Ali Khan.

Omkara - Maybe not the best, but a laudable effort indeed!

The Mirror Reflection

I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe the worn-out looking face of 'A', the guy I met the other day on my way back to home in the bus, has a role to play here. This is about the phases of life that I thought this 'A' might have gone through until the time he came and sat beside me in the bus. So bear with me as my imagination runs amok!

Phase I: Birth - The arrival

A's Dad works as a Bank officer, living in a rented house, growing bald with worries of saving money to marry off A's elder sisters B and C. Now that A's father finally has a boy, he has decided to stop having any more children.

On the day of his birth, A's dad was busy filling out ledgers in the bank as it was the financial year close. But to give him company at the hospital were his grand parents, loving sisters(one of them still a toddler while the other one went to school) and some other relatives. The news of his birth was a cause for joy. His grandfather shelled out money for 2 kgs of shuddh desi ghee ke laddoo. This meant that he was really happy and in a pleasant mood. A's uncle thought of introducing his girl friend to him then and there to seek his approval for their marriage but wisdom prevailed upon him.

There were celebrations and A's father felt the brunt of it. All his saving plans went awry with this recent splurge of money. But he did not mind.

Phase II: Childhood - The upbringing

'A' is good at studies so they decide to send him to a good english medium school. Daddy dearest goes to drop him to school everyday and then pick him up. Two elder sisters sit in the rear seat and A stands in the front on their 1986 model LML Vespa scooter. But this does not last long. The school being quite far away from home, it was decided to send them to school in a bus. It was a costlier affair as the bus charged them individually and did not grant any concession but they could do with it keeping in mind the rosier future that they had seen for their son.

A's Dad worked hard and so did his Mom to bring up the kids in the best way they could. A's Dad ensured that they never defaulted while paying their school fees except during the last month of the financial year. That was a month when tax deductions were made from his salary and poor A's parents had trouble keeping the finances in check during that time.

The kids got new clothes on every major festival and on their birthdays but they were not as lucky with getting toys as regularly. A board game of scrabble or carrom was a coveted possession for these kids in their childhood. They got a chance to buy a toy of their choice( there was no need to tell them about any money constraint, they were matured enough to understand it) when they performed well in their annual examinations or when Dad got some increment/bonus.

By the way did I forget to mention that A's uncle was married by now, with his college girl friend. There was a lot of hue and cry over the whole episode but A's uncle was relentless and the family finally gave its approval. They thought that it was better to concede defeat than let the family dispute get messy with people living all around making their own judgment over the matter. They pretended to show that they had changed with the changing times.

School life drew to a close for A and he came out with flying colors implying that he was to pursue either engineering or medical. These were the only options he was given. He chose to go ahead with engineering so he chose Science subjects. By this time, A's eldest sister had already completed her Bachelors and was ready to be married off.

Phase III: Education - The Survival

'A' cleared an engineering competition. His Dad felt that his hard work had paid off and would soon yield high returns. Marrying off B had caused a major dent in his savings and he still had C to marry off. Besides the expenses on the health care of his ailing parents made things worse for him. 'A' knew what responsibility he was carrying on his shoulders. He was matured beyond his years. His Dad took educational loan from a bank to pay for A's higher education. He slogged hard at his college. Competing with the nerdy and brainy guys who too had come with similar hopes and aspirations as him was never going to be an easy task. He survived and landed up with a plum job after 4 years of hard work.

His uncle too was now pretty much settled and had two kids. Both still went to school and looked upto 'A' as a role model.

Phase IV: Professional life - The Struggle, The Success, The Transition

'A' worked as a software professional in a major MNC headquartered in the Silicon Valley. They paid him good bucks. Right in the first year of his professional life, he started earning more than what his Dad brought home after 22 years of service. It heralded the dawn of a new life style for 'A' and his family. He was soon packed off to the US where he made more money and soon got his sister married off.

A's grandparents were no more with them and but that couldn't reduce the expenses. The money brought in a considerable change. 'A' got a car for his Dad. He pampered them with gifts he brought from US.

The Software Industry had changed the life styles of a lot of young middle class folks. This led to the creation of a new class of individuals who liked to be called the Upper-middle class. The money that they got curbed the recurring thoughts of being just another 'cyber-coolie'. The job did not require much of creativity but they still hung on. The happiness in seeing the joy on the face of their family on purchasing their first car kept them negotiating the rut that they had entered into. They managed staying away from home, compromised on living life on the terms of their employers and pretended to be happy.

As he sits beside me, I think 'A' is still making the transition. He's almost there. He has been in US for the past 3 years and has made some money. Now he would be going back to get married to his girl friend who stays in India. 'A' proposed the girl after seeking some practise lessons from his uncle when he last went to India. His uncle was celebrating his 25th marriage anniversary that year.

Though 'A' pretended to be all happy, I could still see him wearing down. His face said it all and then he turned towards me and asked with a smile - "Hey man why do you look so tired?"

What? Did I too look tired? I thought that I was happy or was I pretending to be? Why the hell did he ask me the same question that I wanted to ask him? I felt a seizure in my mind and then I thought that with a twist in the tale here and there, I too could have been what I was making out 'A' to be. I couldn't really answer him then. I needed to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror to get the answers I guess...not just me, a lot of us need that, don't we?

Things that Remain Unsaid..

One of my friends remarked after reading my recent blogs that if my Dad gets to read what I write, he will disown me for good. The chances of this happening are remote as Dad generally keeps away from the 'good-for-nothing' computers and has employed me part time to log-in to check his e-mails. That said, I pondered over what grudge I harbor against him that I involve him in my silly gimmicks to generate humor? After much introspection, I seem to have got an answer.

Dad's first book was published the year in which I was born. Its been a long time since then but over the years I developed a 'sibling rivalry' kinda thing with that book. While it gained success under the name of 'A Text Book of Algebra', I struggled hard to make any impression. Today, that book perhaps fetches more bucks than what I earn in an year. This constant realisation of defeat at the hands of a 300 page book maybe sparked off the recent spate of outbursts evident in a few of my last posts.

Phew! Man, am I not good at this soul searching and understanding my psyche stuff?

This brings me to another point. The father-son relationship and all the complications that surround it. This relationship is generally of awe and respect. Fathers and sons do not bond at the same level a mother-son bond for that matter. It has got to do maybe with the way we males are. Display of emotions is not our forte. We might feel all the love and affection for each other but taking the next step is always like taking a leap across a giant ocean. We might reciprocate but we do not initiate. The reluctance to take that next step slowly becomes a habit and then we forget even contemplating to walk that extra mile leading to the creation of a void in the relation that neither of the parties know how to fill. You have your questions but you stop to seek their answers by walking upto you father and he waits on his side wondering why you stopped asking him questions which he sometimes struggled to answer once you grew out of the "Papa, aasmaan neela kyun hota hai", "din ke baad raat aati hai ya raat ke baad din?" phase.

The void then starts to act as an excuse for your failures and frustrations at times. An unfamiliar resentment creeps in and it sometimes leads you into becoming a rebel. You feel that he never cared or understood what you ever felt and your Dad feels that you no longer need him to be around the way he used to be when you were taking your first steps or when you were first learning to ride your bicycle. Although blaming him for all your woes would be an extreme form of that resentment but I have seen that happening. Relationships fail at this juncture and that's probably the worst turn that all this emotional void can take.

In other cases, there might be no resentment but a positive struggle to make yourself worthy enough to overcome that void and go back to him someday. That is one struggle that I feel, I continue to make.

For some, earning money is a way of making life a successful journey, for others it has got to do with following their hearts and making the journey worth the walk. But for me the greatest journey would be the one that would take me back to home, when I will be able to look into my Dad's eyes and see that he feels proud of me in some way. That day maybe we'll sit and reminisce the innocent, good old days of my childhood and I might just ask him the same stupid question once again,"Papa, aasmaan neela kyun hota hai?" I know that he will be having all the answers prepared when that time comes. That would probably be his way of telling me that he too had been waiting for that moment all that while. Didn't I tell you that overt display of emotions has never been our forte!

"The Bihari" - Straight from the Heart!

Its hard not to fall in love with a place that you spent 18 very good years of your life in. If you felt that living in Bihar was hell, I would beg to differ. Biharis stand for being non-conventional, generally in a funny way. A majority of us are not the gun toting freaks like the Taliban who are on the look out to either kidnap or murder you and neither are we like a few of our distinguished public faces with political affiliations who don't exactly paint a very rosy picture of the state on the national scene.

"Hum aapko batana chahte hain ki hum bihari hain aur hamara naam suress, rajess, mahess ya binod nahi hai. Arre Bihari sunte hi kaahe albala rahe hain aap? Kaa hua? Hum bhoot nahi Bihari keh rahe hain. Dariye mat".

Purists might cringe at this contamination of hindi language by intrusion of words like dandanaake (with extreme alacrity), buta do(switch off) or associating everything with the masculine gender, but over the years Bihari has developed into almost a language making its presence felt across India besides the sizable chunk of Indian populace living in Bihar. It might not be pure hindi but it sure is sweet and funny. Slangs used here are also quite different from what is generally used in the northern parts of India. Bhootni ke, labad-dhondho, baklol being a few amongst them. We do not mix the crude Punjabi tadka style slangs in our daily life as much as it is used in some other parts of India.

I have spent 4 years in Kanpur studying there and I can tell you from experience that what is chalta hai in Kanpur or for that matter in Delhi can prove detrimental to your survival if you are in Bihar. I had come to Patna during vacations once and had a slight verbal duel with a ricksaw puller. I made a war cry using a normal and benign looking expletive that i used in my day to day life at hostel. That was it! He was not so much peeved at being yelled at than he was at the expletive I used. For God's sake I just used it for addressing rather than to convey anything deeper in meaning. He threatened to wipe me off my existence and then wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead to figuratively suggest to me the ease with which he would do it. I learnt my lesson - Fight or argue but try not to dig into the refined words' dictionary when dealing with people in Bihar.

I generally talk with my Bihari friends in the bihari lingo, the Hum hain na stuff and switch over to Main hoon na mode while talking with non-bihari folks with consummate ease and that is maybe because my bihari blood has become adulterated after staying away from the place for a few years now and also because I had always made a conscious effort to speak grammatically correct Hindi with Maa being a bit strict on how we fared in our Hindi examinations at school. But the instances when a biharism meets Hindi results in a deadly khichdi that could make Sacchidanand Hiranand Vatsyayan 'Agyey' feel as if all his contributions to hindi literature had gone to the drains. For example: Hum tumse kahe thhey na(bihari) + Maine tumse kaha tha na(hindi) = Hum tumse kaha tha na(the khichdi)

Kanpur has been almost a second home to me and how can I sign off without giving you a taste of how Kanpuriya hindi sounds:

Set up: Mumbai railway station ka platform number 12
Time: 12 in the night
Characters: A - From Bihar..Desparate to get back home. Has bought a railway ticket first time ever(you don't buy tickets while travelling within Bihar, its free!) and wants to ensure that he does not miss this train.
B - From Kanpur..Robbed of all his belongings by a fellow traveller a couple of hours back while waiting for his train. Frustrated and waiting to explode.
C - From Mumbai..Raat ko baarah baje din nikalta hai, subeh ko 6 baje raat hoti hai type tapori.

A: Bhaiya ee Babban Rao Ambegaonkar express isi platform se jayega?
B[frowns]: Abe Bhaiya dikhte hain kaa be? Thakur khandaan se hain, ijjat hai hamari...Bhaiya bolta hai

A:Oo ta thik hai lekin tarainwa(train) ke baare mein to bataiye
B: Na batayein to kaa kalloge(kar loge)?

A[mocking]: Pata hoga tabbe(tab hi) na bataiyega
B: Dekho hum gaali nahi dena chaheete(chahte) hain. Is liye sharafat se bolley(bol rahe) hain ki tameej se pess(pesh) aao.

A: Ago(ek) sawaal pooche to jawab mein ladaai suru(shuru) kar diye apne se aur humko tameej sikhayenge
B: Dekho aukaat mein raho kahee(keh) de rahe hain.
C[intervening]: Kya re dono halkat..raada karne ka dono ko yehich jageh milella tha? Chal ab maandwali kar aur kalti ho le, nahi to 'Mumbai for Mumbaikars' ka naara lagake apun 100-50 logon ko ikattha karega aur dono ko without ticket UP-Bihar bhej dega.

..Hmm..I guess it would have made more sense had I talked about the diversity in the way Hindi is spoken all over India. Maybe some other time!

The Independence Day Woes & Killing Time

As Americans geared up to celebrate their Independence day, I feared an alien attack or an UFO sighting here on 4th July. I mean that's what they have always showed in their films. Come Independence day and the world's biggest super power faces annihilation at the hands of some extra terrestrial powers. Only this time I wished that our super hero Krrish would come to their rescue in his half burnt mask, climbing mountains, skimming over seas and oceans..in the proverbial Saat samandar paar se fashion. It would have been more than befitting for an Indian to save America from destruction considering the fact that US has increased the H1B limits to almost double for the next year. It might just have been our way of reciprocating.

But someone up there had other plans. There was an attack, not of aliens but blood sucking bed-bugs and the attack was in the apartment that I was putting up for the weekend with my friends. No, Krrish didn't turn up either. It was left to the three of us, sleepy and tired people to put up a fight against them. We were up at 3 in the night googling to find ways to fight this menace after killing a dozen of them didn't help. The results weren't encouraging. The bed-bugs had been a problem in NY some 60 years ago and they are resurfacing again. Someone's plotting for a biological warfare maybe. President Bush beware!

We also went for the fireworks at the Battery park. It was good but nothing spectacular about it. In fact I grew bored after 5 min of fireworks. It wasn't as grand as I had thought it would be! C'mon now, coming from a nation where you celebrate Diwali, the firework affair sure wasn't going to be a novelty in any case.

There was too much time to kill so caught up with a few old movies as well. The Shining and A Walk to Remember. When you watch a Stanley Kubrick film, you have to keep searching for the underlying meaning and keep asking - Why? The killing of the head Chef of the hotel and then the closing scene had more to them than what they apparently depicted. I now have to watch his last directorial work Eyes Wide Shut, which he claimed to be his best work to date. I tried watching it once but couldn't get a clue of what it was all about.

A Walk to Remember is a romantic film that you watch with your girlfriend and not with three guys. It was predictable and it ended with three of us forcibly making the fourth one accept that he was moved by the tragedy of Jamie Sullivan and Landon Carter.

A: "Abe tu ro raha hai"

B: "Paagal hai kya?"

A: "Tu dekh le, iski aankhein nahi bhar aayi?"

C: "Haan mujhe bhi lag raha hai"

D: "Dekh ro nahi. Ye to kahani hai. Kahe to Mandy Moore se milwa doon."

B(accepting defeat): "Chal thik hai mere baap ro raha tha..ab samajh gaya..nahi rounga. Jaan chhod meri ab"

Peace prevailed thereafter.

Read this line somewhere in one of the scraps of a friend on Orkut. Liked it for its originality:

"Har wo jageh jahan cheezein real estate prices se influenced hokar bikti hain, us jageh ko shopping mall kehte hain" - My salute to the subtle humor of Anubhav!

Soccer Mania

Soccer mania grips the world and the talk of the town is "Who will win it?" With the South American teams out of contention, it has turned out to become an all European affair and I'll bet on a Germany Vs Portugal final. But I am not as sentimental as some of my soccer maniac friends whose lives hang in balance as their favorite teams slug it out so I really won't give it a damn if Italy or France make it to the final two either.

I tried doing some psycho-analytic tests on myself to find out why my reponse to the mega sporting event was so cold and bereft of emotions and then came up with a reason. My career as a budding football great was shelved at quite a young and tender age when I was diagnosed with myopia. For the less informed this disorder is not as serious as the Lympho sarchoma of the intestine, it simply means that I had to put on specs. I still managed to play the game for a few years because a football is too large to be ignored even by people on the verge of losing eyesight but with no family support I couldn't continue.

"Kahan se aa raha hai?"

"Football khel ke"

"Football jitne bade goley milenge tujhe kal ke exam mein. Kal se tera khelna koodna sab band"

Slowly I too lost interest. Only once in four years do I get to know the names of these football players and then I brush up my knowledge about the leading scorers, teams, etc of the past and present football teams so as not to sit like a dumbass with zero soccer knowledge quotient in a discussion on whether defensive play suits the Argentinians or on the caliber of the Portugese goal keeper who kept England at bay.

I can however understand the emotions involved and can relate to the frenzied fan reactions on their favorite team's loss. I felt the same during the 1996 World Cup Cricket semi-final against Sri-Lanka. The loss left me completely heart broken. The thought of making a mark as a cricketer in future then crossed my minds. That plan too was nipped in the bud.

"Kya? Tujhe Ranji team ke selection trial mein jaana hai? Aur kal ka exam kaun dega?"

"Sachin bhi to 10th failed hai. Fir main kyun nahi?"

"Sachin..Sachin kaun? Gavaskar ka beta hai kya?"

They always used examinations as an excuse to keep me from following my dreams. And Dad is still struck with the Gavaskar bug. You ask him who is M.S.Dhoni and he might as well say Gavaskar ka pota.

Coming back to the Soccer fever, I wonder how we would have reacted if India had made it to the top 32. Poor Bhaichung would have been mobbed by crazy fans and we might have had our own version of Bend it like Bekham as Bend it like Bhutia. But that dream seems some distance away. Till then manage by going crazy over the Beckhams and the Rooneys and the Zidanes while I manage with this:

"Football dekh rahe ho? Kaun jeet raha hai?"

"Jeetne ki baat chhodiye, Brazil haar gayi."

"Haar gayi? Kyun Pele nahi khel raha tha kya?"

'S' for Sex

A few weeks back there was a demonstration in the streets of NY urging Indian authorities to do something about the AIDS menace after a study revealed that India was well set to take over and become the number one in terms of HIV affected people. As the demonstration passed by me, I tried pretending to be from an obscure sounding planet Crapatonia. This way, I believed, I could project myself as being totally free from any fear of contracting AIDS because geographically speaking, Crapatonia was created to be quite removed from the Indian soil and demographically speaking, Crapatonia was created to be inhabited by just me!

The results of the study did not sound like a revelation to me. We, as a nation are indeed way behind in tackling the menace and the rising number of people affected by the disease in our country only reiterates the fact. We are not educated about safe sex, rather anything about sex at home or school. It is considered taboo.

I remember my growing up days as a teenager when the word SEX created a lot of awkward situations for me at home. Unlike what I have seen or heard of American teenagers in movies, we do not have that TALK with our parents ever. Even then we have managed to be well over a billion. No wonder our genius is acknowledged world over!

Leave alone any education on sex, in most cases even a mention of something related to sex creates some real funny situations at home where everyone involved simply doesn't know how to react.

Scene: A comedy show being telecast on TV. Dad and me watching it intently

Host: What do they call French Toilet in Bihar? Well, they call it La-Loo.
Reaction: Dad and me laugh our hearts out - Can't help it, we both have a low IQ and bare minimal sense of humor!

Host: Another one, why can't they prove anything in the Monica Lewinsky case? - Because she swallowed the evidence.
Reaction: Complete silence in our room. Dad digs into the book he has in his hands and I excuse myself to get a glass of water - We didn't laugh, we always pretended to have not got the joke.

Even in schools, the issue is not dealt with in the manner it should. We had a couple of chapters in our Biology course about human reproductive system. The teacher just skimmed through the chapter without getting in to any details and we on our parts kept our questions to ourselves thinking that asking such questions in the class would only reflect our pervert instincts. We(Indian kids) basically gain our sex knowledge in much the same way as the protagonists in the movie The Blue Lagoon or from watching films like The Blue Lagoon.

There has been some effort however in this regard with NGOs coming forward to help the Government out. AIDS awareness campaigns now involve celebrities and even films based on this subject are being made to make people understand the need to address this problem before it gets out of our hands.

I think I am being a bit preachy and documentary-like and that suffocates me. It becomes mandatory for anyone writing on social issues like these to put his points and then suggest ways to tackle it. But I am no Mahesh Bhatt so I find myself running out of ideas and solutions to put forward here. I am like the ordinary quintessential Indian who can be categorized under any one of the following categories:

A: AIDS sirf gareeb aur pichde tabke ke logon mein hota hai
B: Hum middle class wale. Humein kahan is AIDS ke jhanjhat ke baare mein pata. Ye to sirf ameeron aur gareeb logon ko hota hai
C: Kya sahab, humko kya maalum AIDS. Ye sab to ameer logon ki beemari hai.

But I will unlike many of us accept it for a fact that a campaign in US did actually make me think. Its not that I am going to be the new-age Dad someday who would decorate the house with air filled condoms instead of the normal balloons for my kid's birthday to give him his first feel of sex education but in order to save him from walking down the lanes of Timbactoo pretending to be the newest addition to planet Crapatonia, I need to tread the untrodden path.

I pledge to have that TALK with my kids when my time comes but my biggest fear is that I might end up being an imitation of Jason Biggs' dad in American Pie.

India Trip

Just as my flight touched base on the IGI airport in Delhi, I felt like a King who had returned to claim his kingdom. I behaved like one too. So I didn't care to declare the dutiable goods and walked in careless abandon through the Green channel knowing fully well that if caught I might have landed in trouble. But who cared, I was the King!

The King felt that he would be treated with awe anywhere he went but I had a reality check just as I reached home when my hippie looks didn't amuse Mom and I was asked to have a hair-cut the very next morning. With two weeks at my disposal, wasting an hour for having a hair cut was not difficult to accomodate. Though growing hair is the latest fad these days, I didn't have too many points on arguing about its pros and cons so I relented without putting up my case, a meek submission not befitting a King!

I also got a chance to have a 'I am not made for working for others' talk with Dad. When I told him that I wanted to enter some creative field quite removed from the daily hassles of working life, he looked at me in bewilderment. I also explained my business idea to him but the half baked ideas didn't find much audience. So next time around I am going to work on my plans and get back to him with something concrete.

Starting again after the sabbatical is a bit of a pain. Grocery shopping, office and work again..I am thinking of retirement now.

Fanaa - The review

Jitna pyaar Rehaan aapse karta hai utna pyar aap Rehaan ko nahi karte - point taken, but why do you need to keep telling this every two minutes?

Ab tumhe darr lag raha hai - Mr. Kohli, were you attempting to scare away the audiences? Each time Aamir-Kajol got cosy, this dialogue was thrown in, maybe at the behest of Ajay Devgan.

Fanaa is destruction, literally! Its about overdoing things and driving audiences to a point where they feel annihilated-Fanaa! The story idea is good but the product is way off the mark. The film will not be a hit it was expected to be. The production banner(Yashraj films), the casting coup of sorts and the Hum-Tum goodwill would entice audiences to come to the theatres in the first week or so but the film is sure to fall flat thereafter. The film has a few things going its way but these are completely overshadowed by the ineptness of the script, the lethargic pace of the movie and lacklustre direction. Verdict - Disappointing!

Kunal Kohli is no doubt a good storyteller but he ends up overdoing it here. The music is soothing to the ears, especially Chand Sifarish and Tere haath mein. Kajol looks ravishing, Aamir is as usual good and the child actor is cute. Kirron Kher and Rishi Kapoor play liberal parents who don't mind their blind daughter's running away with a complete stranger and keep preaching stuff. Shiney Ahuja and Tabu do inconsequential roles. The twists in the story do evoke interest in the film but that doesn't last too long. Aamir's shayaris are an entertaining enterprise but again overdone.

The script is shoddy. There are several glitches and too much visible thoroughout the movie. There is no point elucidating them because those are too apparent and for all to see. However there were a few hillarious(intended to be serious) scenes and I can't help keeping myself from sharing one of those:

Circumstance - Kajol is in possession of a nuclear bomb trigger and she calls up the military base where the folks are desparately looking for it to save millions from a nuclear attack.

Kajol: Mera pati hi terrorist hai aur mere paas trigger hai
Tabu: Dekhiye wo trigger bahut important hai. Agar wo kisi ke haath mein lag gaya to meri beti aur aapka beta dono mar sakte hain.
Kajol: To aaiye aur le jaaiye ye trigger, Aamir peeche peeche daudta hua aa raha hai.
Tabu: Arre behen ji kal subeh tak intezaar kijiye. Hum raat ko kaam nahi karte

I was earlier against the protests against this film by the Gujarat BJP unit. But I now feel that a ban would have saved headache to a million viewers all around the state. Mr. Kohli, get back to directing mushy-mushy romantic films rather than trying to attempt something different and then keep going back to your tried and tested formula of glycerine soaked-cliched emotional pyrotechnics at every given opportunity in the film.

The trailer of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna too was screened during the intermission. The film gave the feel of being based on failed relationships. Set in New York City, it boasts of an impressive star cast.

Now I need to get over the Fanaa experience. I feel I have spewed enough venom and can now manage a good night's sleep.

Chartbusters in their own right

Hindi film songs are unique in their own right. Churning songs after songs with never ending enthusiasm, our film-makers have ensured over the years that there's no escape from them. I have a special liking for the 70's and the 90's numbers. The one unifying thing about these songs is that the same Kishore Kumar songs that I hum today in my youth might as well have been my Dad's favorites during his days.

In between the several timeless classics that hit the Indian music scene there were a few songs which escaped catching people's imaginations and didn't become as popular as they should have been. I have thought of paying my homage to those classic pieces of creative genius by creating a 10 song list of those songs which come to my mind in the next hour or so that I would be writing this blog. This is no top 10 list, just the songs that come to my mind as I ramble on.

1.) C..A..T cat, cat maane billi
R..A..T rat, rat maane chooha
Samjho iska matlab to jaane kya hua

How innovative! You can't help thanking Kishore Kumar and team for coming up with this classic which sadly wasn't picked up as the anthem for spreading the 'Literacy Campaign' all over India.

2.) Sona, Sona, Cellualar phone tum to hona
Computer ko leke Brahma ne rachaya kya
Telephone dhun mein hansne wali..Melbourne machhli machalne wali

All the songs of this classic Kamal Hassan movie, Hindustani, are worth finding a place in any top 10 chart but as a rule I am allowing only one song per film to make it to my list.
If you haven't heard it, just listen to it. It left an everlasting impression on my mind and the magic of this song doesn't show signs of waning!

3.) Columbas Columbas chutti hai aayi,
Aao koi naya mulk dhoondhein chalke bhai.
aisi jageh dil karta hai chalo..duniya ki koi burai jahan na ho
fauji taiyaari, jung aur ladai, gandi raajneeti, etc etc

A song that teaches you a lot about planning your holidays and enjoying them. It also carries a social message of creating a world order free of wars, dirty politics, hunger, etc. A masterpiece!

4.) Urvashi! Urvashi! Take it easy Urvashi.
Chitrahaar mein bijli udd gayi..take it easy policy
Padhne pe bhi fail ho gaye..take it easy policy
Baap ne bola anna ka dushman..take it eay policy

LIC might use it to sell life insurance policies in India, preferably in the south where people will identify with Rehman's music, Prabhudeva's dance and understand only the 'Take it easy Policy' words of the song.

5.) Oonchi hai building..
lift teri band hai
kaise main aaon
dil razamand hai

Anu Malik won my heart with this song. I felt so proud sharing the first three characters of my name with him. This song from Judwa talks about the problems faced by young lovers due to electricity problems in the city which prevents them from taking a lift to reach their beloved's house. Are the Electricity Board people listening?

6.) A..aa..ee..oo..oo..o
Mera dil na todo
Rooth ke na jao meri jaan
Paas mere aao meri jaan

Rhyming at its very best. Creativity led our lyricists to resort to use of self created words like 'A..aa..ee', 'Boi boi bam..baba..bamboi' besides others to make rhyming songs that were so soothing to the ears. What enhanced their appeal was the extensive use of cheap manual labour in our country in the form of background dancers who were made to dress in similar looking uniforms and asked to perform some physical training exercises. Yups! You got it right..1..2..3..4...1..2..3..4

7.) Tohfa Tohfa Tohfa
Laya laya laya
Pyaar ka tohfa tera
Bana hai jeevan mera

I like this song not for its lyrical value but its breathtaking picturisation. How aesthetically pleasing was it to watch Jeetendra draped in white clothes from top to bottom singing to Jaya Prada in the Botanical garden of Ooty and on Chennai beaches with Mysore silk sarees and Kumkum bangles being used in abundance to substitute for a set.

8.) Aa gaya aa gaya halwa wala aa gaya
dhoom machane aa gaya
rang jamane aa gaya

This song from Dance Dance was my childhood favorite. I make a promise to make my kids learn this song by-heart even before they start learning their nursery rhymes. Three cheers to the conviction of the song writer, music director, the singers and the lead actors - Mithunda and Smita Patil(and you thought she only did the arty movies kinda stuff!) who had faith in this song.

Breaking away from the monotony of hindi songs let me introduce to you another example of innovative experiment tried out by our makers. Using english sub-titles for hindi songs. The effect when a hindi song is released with english sub-titles is no less short of a creative explosion in a 'East meets West' fashion. Sample these for instance:

9.) Love is a bitch
It makes the world go round
Now here..now gone
But its heavenly as long as it lasts

For Kambakht Ishq(Pyaar Tune Kya Kiya) and,

10.) My heart is pounding away,
and my passions are aflame
Let go of my arm, lover!
Do not play with roses so tender.

For Dhak Dhak karne laga(Beta)

This list is in no way comprehensive. My apologies on missing out on other lyrical marvels of Bollywood or as Amitabh Bachchan likes to call it - The Hindi Film Industry.

The Miser in Me Begins to Mutiny

Last couple of weeks I have been on a money spending spree. Maybe I was pissed off with the taunts of being a miser and missing out on being in America abuses hurled at me by friends in more refined language not worth mentioning here that I decided that enough was enough. So I ended up buying an ultra sleek looking black Sony-Vaio FJ270 laptop, splurged on food, my favorite though - Kababs and all the Mughlai stuff and now have my birthday bash in line just a couple of weeks from now. An i-Pod and some miscellaneous accessories for my lappy are also vying for the paltry sum that I have still kept hidden from the spendthrift-me.

I remember reading somewhere how spending is in fact a virtue and why US rules the world despite the Americans living/spending lavishly while the Asians are pretty parsimonious. I even suggested Dad to spend all the money he had in his bank accounts to which he just smiled. Knowing him for the past 24 years, I knew what he was thinking - "Ye ladka paagal ho gaya hai. Pata nahi isse pagalkhaane wale bhi rakhenge ya nahi." Mom was more forthcoming with a reply like - "Beta tujhe kuch chahiye to saaf saaf keh".

Just as I begin to think that I am capable of spending a lot, old memories begin to haunt me and they don't paint a very rosy picture. Back in school they used to sell samosas in the canteen at 50p a piece and I was a regular there. But they suddenly raised the price to 75p and I remember that I made a vow never to buy a samosa from there again. God knows why I did that. Maybe because the extra 25p seemed unjustified to me or whatever. I never refused a samosa treat from anyone though.

In college I was the money lender. All of my friends somehow managed to spend all the money they got from home while I used to stack it up in my bank account and used to end up lending money to quite a few in-need ones. Why did I have money in my account when all about me were broke? Was it because my parents loved me more and gave me extra money to spend or was it because I was..no that couldn't be true. I was always in the denial mode, I still am. Lending was also a way of spending, I thought! Maybe if I was born in the US, I would have been different not just in my color but also my spending habits.

Now enough of philosophising on the Main Aisa Kyun Hoon Main 'Asia' ka kyun hoon aspect of my existence. My laptop begs for a mention.

Lap-'top', I sometimes wonder whether only I feel that there is something sensual about this name. Anyways lets not drift away from the topic. I have had mixed reviews of the sleek model that I purchased. Hmm..'Sleek Model'..I told you there is something sensual about this whole laptop thing! Some say that it won't last 12 months while some say that it would be an Onida! (Remember the neighbour's envy owner's pride thing). Check it out here at : My Laptop. (Don't worry about being directed to some adults only area when you click at the above link after my sensuality talk).

That's pretty much it for this week. The long-weekend awaits and laziness has forced us to drop our Niagara Falls plan. For the past one week we had been going back and forth on 'should we-shouldn't we' discussions on going to Niagara Falls. We might just end up visiting some places around. Now that was definitely not done on purpose to save a few bucks! Damn me! Will I ever get over this habit of torturing myself with far fetched explanations to changes in my day-to-day plans?

Da Vinci Code

Ron Howard, Dan Brown, Tom Hanks decoding Dan Vinci's codes, a very interesting prospect to make you invest your 7 dollars over the weekend. I had loved Dan Brown's novel so much so that I followed it up with Angels and Demons and Digital Fortress. Angels and Demons was in the same mould as Da Vinci. Digital Fortress was a flop!

Now coming back to the movie. The expectations were enormous and the film does live upto it in parts. But my views would seem biased as I could not enjoy the 'unraveling of the codes' part having read the book earlier which actually was the high point of the story. Reading the book atop a berth in Karnataka Express was more enjoyable to me than sitting and watching it in the front row of AMC theatre yesterday.

For those who haven't read the book, just go and watch it.

The release of the film I hear has been delayed in India with it running into Censor issues. Newpapers even show anti-film protests in some parts of the country. Censorship in India is a bane. I hear the version of BI2 that was released in India was edited to the extent that even Neal -n-Nikki seemed more 'bold'. Wonder what would they end up showing in Da Vinci Code after editing.

The whole point of protest it seems is because the film explores the idea of Christ being married and having a child just like all mortals do. Religious sentiments would sure flare up for it also says that Christ wanted Mary Magdalene to be his heir. The idea of Christ being married would be like someone suggesting that Lord Hanuman too broke his celibacy vow to have a Jr. Hanuman. Hope no Bajrang Dal members are reading this!

I am planning to return to India for a couple of weeks in June. There would be a lot to catch up with there. Hordes of movies too lined up for the summer break, football world cup would get underway and India will slug it out against the West Indies in test matches. I have my schedule all packed up for the 14 days that I'll be there - Dilli Chalo!

Aao sikhayein tumhe cheat-plead ka funda

Another suicide at IIT-K. God knows why the importance of living a life looks so miniscule to them that they don't hesitate to slit their wrists, hang themselves from fans or jump from a building at just failing in a course. Com'on now if you are so desparate to pass a course then there are better ways to deal with it - Cheat and if that doesn't work - Plead.

The Cheat-Plead policy worked for me whenever I was in dire straits. I am reminded of a few incidents back at the campus where I actually learnt this art. I remember it was a PHY101 quiz and Prof. Joglekar, after his customary - "Can you please open the windows at the back" greeting distributed the question papers to all of us. It was a quiz on relativity.

For those who don't know what Relativity is, its a strange concept that Einstein professed after some bouts of craziness that spanned a long illustrious academic career. For the more informed ones, he never won a Nobel for that :(. I felt that it was exerting too much pressure on human brains like ours to learn a concept that took him years to formulate in a span of just a couple of weeks(that was the duration for which we studied Realtivity). I had the option of commiting suicide because of the pressure but then I thought of taking on an unchartered territory thus far - Cheat!

The stage was set but unfortunately I sat besides a Telu who was actually sitting next to the Maggu who knew it all.
(Telu - people who felt that people like Einstein should have been crucified much before they uttered anything that could put subsequent human civilisations under the threat of mental duress
Maggu - people who were capable of causing greater mental duress to subsequent civilisations if allowed to inhabit the Earth)

Anyways, the papers were distributed and I turned a deaf ear to all my inner voices and started copying each and every word that the Telu sitting besides me was copying from the Maggu sitting next to him, a sort of chain-cheating you know. 10 minutes into the quiz, I came to know that the problem had been solved because Maggu heaved a sigh of relief. We took utmost care to submit our answer sheets at intervals and not together. Two days later, Prof. Joglekar did not greet us with the "Can you please.." stuff. He looked a bit stern.

"It seems that a few of you are having trouble getting the concept right. You can ask me to help you out rather than copy it straight from your friend's answer sheet"

My heart skipped a beat. I was caught. He started distributing the papers, Maggu - 10/10, A - 8/10, B - 4/10, Anurag - 10/10(he didn't say anything to me!), C - 7/10, D - 3/10, Telu - 0/10.

"Aha! so here you are my friend. You copied the whole stuff from one of your friends without caring to look at the question paper set that you were having. You have solved the problem of Question paper set 1(a) but you were given the set 1(b)"

I quickly checked my paper because I too did not know what set I had got. But by virtue of that being my first attempt at cheating, I seemed to have been saved by some divine grace. What happened was that Maggu got 1(a) then Telu got a 1(b) and then going in that order, I got a 1(a) again. So even though both Telu and I copied and wrote the same stuff, I ended up solving the correct question but Telu was not so lucky!

Telu too had an option of committing suicide after the embarassment but he instead chose to laugh it off and worked on his shortcomings as a copy cat and graduated in time to land up a plum job!

The Plead policy came to play in the last semester of my stay at IIT-K. There was this new professor, pretty raw in terms of handling students and courses. The highest in his course was a meagre 55% and most of the junta languished in the range of 15-22%. He actually could have ruined 3 months of our professional life and we needed to take the next step. We had two options, commit mass suicide or go and plead. We resorted to pleading. Again conscience was shown the door that day. We went to him, listened to his sermon on discipline, application, life, commitment, respect, profession, career, sex..no he skipped the sex talk if I remember it correct! and it worked. No one was failed!

I know that according to my Moral Science school books the Cheat-Plead thing is certainly not the best practise but what the heck it has kept me hanging onto life for so long!

Football Shutball Hai Rabba!

I played football after more than 11 years I think. The last time I did play forced Mom to punish me by not letting into the house after i returned with broken glasses and drenched in sweat. This time she wasn't around so I thought that it would be fun you know with no after match pressures of being locked out of home for half an hour. That made me take on the field with extra vigour. My Maldinist, Carlosian and Zidanesque attributes came to the fore soon enough as I defended, pushed, covered the mid field and then netted a goal in pretty quick time - A star is born, he's coming to rule!

But then good times dont last long. 10 minutes into the play, i huffed and panted and fell tackling. My fitness problems came to the fore. 1 hour into the play, no one even remembered that i was the one who scored a magnificient goal, so what if it came from a 20 m straight pass which I just touched with my foot as it pierced through the opposition net with their goalkeeper busy playing with his 2 year old daughter?

As if the embarassment of not being recognized for the first goal for my team was not enough, I also spilled orange juice on my sweat shirt. That 2 yr old kid also laughed her heart out in amusement :( - The star fades, exiled!

So much so for the game. Last week was also movie time for me. Lotsa movies - Frequency, Unleashed, Darna Zaroori Hai and Gangster.

I had seen Frequency earlier and it has a strange time travel concept but I still like that movie, maybe because it has that wrapper of emotions rather than just thrills and adventure associated with time travel movies. Its about a man in the present helping his father in the past to save his mother from a killer on the prowl. Father-son relationship in hindi movies has not been explored well I guess. Gardish was one which showed the turmoils that a son went through as he struggled to live upto his father's expectations but besides that I cannot remember a good movie, which anyways is a rarity in Bollywood, which dealt with this. DCH had a scene where Aamir breaks down while talking over the phone to his Dad. That was first-rate I felt.

Unleashed is a Jet Li movie. You know what you can expect. Danny - The dog is what he plays. Its his journey from being a 'dog' to a 'man'. Good action, bad story!

Darna zaroori hai has lived upto the expectation of maintaining the standards that Darna Mana Hai had set. In fact it has gone one step further. Crappy stories sure scare the hell out of you. I wonder how RGV's mind works. He delivers a very decent Sarkaar and then puts his money on a film like Darna Zaroori Hai. Expect the unexpected from this man. A real dud this movie - Don't watch it!

Gangster is a well made movie. Supported by some good music, performances and some beautiful locations in Korea, Gangster is sure to click at the box office. It has its share of falls but overall a good movie to put your money into for some time pass over the weekend.

Tough Times Driving Me Crazy

No, the title of the blog is not the english translation of some regular hindi film like "Mushkilon ne deewana kar diya", its pretty much my state in reality. Dealing with criticism for going insane and appearing gawdy in my photographs to philosophising on priorities in life, I hardly had the time to write any crap out here. Now that phase seems to have passed and I am finally having some breathing space. The feeling is same as the one I had when I came out of the theatre after watching Anant Balani's 'Ek Din 24 Ghante' - Don't you ever watch it!

Another thing thats been disturbing me for some time now is the Reservation bill that the Indian Government plans to table in the parliament after elections. 50% of the seats in premier educational institutions would go to the chaps who would qualify just because they were lucky enough to be born 'underprivileged' and 'oppressed' as per the Government's notions and calculations to strengthen their vote banks. The thought perturbed me so much that I even had a nightmare about it.

Set in a small shanty in some shabby looking chawl, Year: ~ 2035

Me: Pappu ki Maa, hamara pappu paas hoga?

Wife: Hamara Pappu bada honhaar hai. Zaroor IIT-JEE clear karega. Pichle saal 100 mile door wale sheher ke Sharma ji ke ladke ne bhi to clear kiya tha. Hamara bachcha usse kis maamle mein kam hai.

Me: Lekin bhaagyawaan is baar 5000 seat mein sirf 50 general category walon ke liye hain. Is baar kuch nahi hua to hamara budhapa kaise katega? Meri naukri bhi to quota walon ko de di gayi hai.

It was unbearable. Thankfully the alarm set off and I woke up. But seriously speaking, this menace must be fought against. Its heartening to see the students and alumni of IIT/IIMs uniting together in this cause(http://savebrandindia.org) and the corporate world registering its displeasure over the issue as well. How can they substitute caste considerations for merit and think of making India the next superpower? It remains to be seen whether these guys can keep the tempo up. Issues like these need media attention, like in the Jessica Murder Case, for people's participation which I think they are not concentrating on. I just hope it doesn't fizzle out!

Now enough of pointing my guns at the GOI. It might misfire so let me reconcile and give them a new avenue to explore. With Sharad Pawar heading the BCCI, my suggestion would be to reserve 50% places in the Indian Cricket team based on quota. Kick out the Dhonis and the Tendulkars and give the oppressed a chance. For 60 years we have denied them that and lets play against teams with like minded Governments in place - How about Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe?

The weekend was another damp squib. It rained the whole weekend. I still managed to get my lazy self out of the bed to get some parathas and milk to last the next week. Oh I miss home so much when I have to go out to shop for grocery or laundry here. I even watched "Humko Deewana Kar Gaye" - Again, translated in english it means "You drove me crazy". Yeah, thats what the film did to me. Shot in the beautiful locales of Canada, the film hardly had anything to offer besides Katrina and Canada. I loved a particular scene though. It involved Akshay Kumar's sardaar friend and his wife. Here's how it went:

Akshay meets his frind Guggi after a long time. After he comes to know that he is married, Akshay bitches about Guggi's wife. Guggi believes Akshay and goes to a NFL stadium full of hot cheerleaders and people to find some solace. Guggi's wife confronts Akshay and then Akshay realises his folly. Guggi's wife appears on the giant screen in the stadium pleading - "Sardarji come back...thwaddi Pammi sook ke kaanta hui ja rahi hai". Guggi does not relent. Then Akshay Kumar appears, delivers a sermon on love, faith, belief and Katrina becomes his disciple. With Guggi still not willing to appear, Akshay delivers the master stroke. He asks the camera to focus on Guggi's photo in the passport and bang. Everyone in teh gallery literally pushes Guggi out of his seat. Guggi runs amidst the people to hug his wife and they live happily ever after. All this was added in the film just to make Katrina's character start falling in love with Akshay's character and it was a damn serious and emotional scene. I just loved it. It surpassed the finesse of David Dhawan in Mujhse Shaadi Kaorge's climax.

Hope to back soon next time.

WARNING: Orkut is an addiction. Try it at your own risk!

Uncle Sam I am Here

After months of speculation and answering the - "abe tu abhi tak gaya nahi" queries from a lot of my friends, I finally announce my arrival here in NY. Its actually a strange experience of looking outside your apartment's window to see America all around, if you get what I mean. There are a lot of Desis as well and who the hell said that every fourth person you see around is a Chinese, its India all the way. Just yesterday I went to the Indian Street and there I was amidst those Paan ki dukaans and the sabzi bazaar.

The flight experience to begin with was again as expected. A 14 hr direct flight brought me here and as luck would have it, I shared my space with a Bong who had been around in the US for the past 5 yrs and a retired Ahmedabad Electricity Board Officer who was visiting the US for the first time to be with his kids. There were no hot chicks in my vicinity and I did not really care. Its almost become a certainty in my life that girls never book a seat within 3 rows of where I sit.

The flight was not without its share of experiences though. I overheard the Bong being lambasted by his wife for not not calling her before leaving Delhi and for waking her up early in the morning just to inform her that his connecting flight would reach Albany by 12 in the afternoon. I helped the retired uncle in filling a couple of forms for immigration purposes. He had a strange habit of filling the 'Official use only' column in every form that he got and I went to the airport authorities claiming that one of my baggages was picked by someone else while my bag waited to be picked at a wrong conveyor belt.

Life in US also means that you get ample chances to show your culinary skills. I tried hard and with minor hiccups got the matar paneer bang on. It tasted okay and people seemed to relish it too. My friend's room-mate brought his girl friend to the house just to let her taste it..I think I'll make a good cook with some practise I guess :)

The first weekend of my 'business trip' to US is over and I still don't know which project I am going to work on. Though I must tell you that the Manhattan skyline looks simply out of this world. I don't think I am going to appreciate it as much from tomorrow I guess when I see it from my office's window. It was such a nice feeling to stand at the same location where SRK stood and sang Kal Ho na Ho and croak until the statue of liberty started to protest against my singing, calling it a scathing attack on the liberty of people who wanted to live in peace. I still felt like King Khan though, the only difference being that instead of Preity Zinta, I had Abhinav Sinha to sing to.

The jet lag is now going but I still feel a bit sleepy during the evenings and wide awake at 3 in the night. I'll be clicking a few pics and uploading them here next weekend. Before I sign off, this too needs a mention. Four of us had a pretty normal Indian Buffet today for lunch and it cost us $12.5 each. I have now decided to go without dinner for the next 2 days to make up for it and in the long term thinking on trying my entrepreneurial skills here by setting up a chat thela or something on those lines. Somebody willing to join me here?

The Chosen One!

I like to believe that I am one of God's chosen ones. He keeps coming up with strange ways to keep reminding me about it. So whenever I forgot to wear my school belt to school, there had to be a surprise uniform check and now just two days before I have to go on my maiden business trip, I am down with a badly bruised, swollen nose and fighting to be fit.

But this time its not going to be about me. I am getting bored of exposing my own follies and giving a chance to others to take a dig at me in their blogs. Lets talk about some general - "Why me?" instances that we keep facing sometime or the other.

Instance 1:

You book a railway ticket in the holiday season. You hope against hope that you would be getting a berth next to a very beautiful chick. You would impress her and then maybe..You might even consider wearing your favorite perfume that day and the first thing that you do on reaching the station is to grab the railway reservation chart. But as luck would have it, all your dreams come tumbling down like a pack of cards. You get to share the cabin with an elderly couple. They begin their conversation with you with something like - "Beta can you go to the top berth, as you can see, my wife has trouble climbing up?" You sure cannot say no and earn the wrath of other fellow passengers.

The misery doesn't end there. Just when you decide to take a look at the other occupants of the bogie on the pretext of going to the restroom, you are sure to find a group of girls just a few seats away from yours. You console yourself with - "Maybe luck has something better in store for me" and return back to your seat. The nightmare shows no sign of ending even then. When the lights go off, you have to deal with the incessant snoring. What to do, you twist and turn in your berth, curse youself..look upto the heaven and cannot help asking - "Why me?"

Instance 2:

You board a flight. Here there is more hope because girls feel safer traveling alone in a plane than they do while travelling in a train so the chances of finding them are more ripe here.

You look around at all the people who stand in queue to board the same flight as you do in anticipation. The beautiful air hostesses greet you but you want a better return on the money that you have spent. How about a beautiful girl occupying a seat next to you? At this moment destiny takes over. A 30 something woman with two small kids gets the seat next to you. The kids seem to have just one point on their agenda, outsmarting each other in a crying competition. They also develop a liking to your fancy watch and won't let up until you give it to them to earn some peace. This time you don't look upto the heaven, you just glance outside the window and want to cry aloud - "Why me?"

Instance 3:

You are watching a movie in a theatre and you get a seat next to a girl who looks beautiful in the darkness of the theatre. You mistakingly keep your Pepsi in her arm rest and she spills it on her dress. You get a chance to strike a conversation with a - I am really sorry refrain to which she simply replies in some mumbling sound. Not a very encouraging sign but a breaking the ice kinda conversation nonetheless.

During the intermssion, you keep your popcorn packet safely in your arm rest and go out. When you return, you find all you popcorn strewn on her seat. You really don't have the time to think. You go and throw the packet in the dustbin to erase any visible sign of your involvement in the crime which you never committed anyways. She comes back..she mumbles again cleaning her seat and you try to plead your innocence with silence and turning the other side.

But does this happen to everybody? - Not really! I guess I just can't help writing about myself even after promising not to do so. This, I guess is just for one upmanship. To tell all and sundry that I really am the chosen one - wot say you?

Rang Barse

Basanti: Veeru, Gabbar ji kuch pooch rahe hain.

Gabbar: Holi, Kab hai Holi?

Basanti: Director ne naachne kaha hai dolle-sholle dikhane ko nahi

Veeru: Main jat, yamla, pagla, deewana. Mujhse ye sab nahi hoga.

Mangal Pande: Mangal Mangal Mangal Mangal Ho..Mangal Mangal..

Rani: Umm ab bas bhi karo na Pande-G, kab se Mangal Mangal
laga rakha hai

Amit: Pappu paas ho gaya..Pappu paas ho gaya

Chandni: Ab bas bhi karo Pappu ke Papa. Ek hi film to hit hui hai uski.

Anu Malik: Do me a favor lets play Holi

Audience: Do us a favor, stop singing Anu Malik

Happy Holi Everyone!

Confessions of a Budget-illiterate mind

Every time during this time of the year a feeling of despondency creeps within me. I feel ashamed of myself, quite shallow to say the least. I curse myself, feel stifled, insignificant, a waste. Why? Because I don't understand the head or tail of the Annual Budget.

I am an engineering graduate and now a working professional and I also pay my taxes but I still fail to fathom how to categorise the budget as anti-'me' or pro-'me'. Budget analysis in ET/Business Line to me is just like my doodhwallah being asked to read and describe Mozart's symphony. Yes, i did take a couple of economics course electives during my B.Tech days but passing them never gave me the confidence to take the Budget Bull by the horn.

To pass those courses was anyway easy, you just had to know that your Prof was a socialist and had protested against fertile land being acquired by the Institute management to expand the campus which supposedly left a lot of farmers in the lurch.

Prof: How would you rate this year's budget?
Me: It's ANTI-POOR.
Verdict: Job well done!
Lesson: Play it safe. Always!

Prof: But do you think a co-operative society is feasible in Bihar?
Me: Sir, with due regards, a successful economist should never sound pessimistic.
Verdict: Watch out for your grades son!
Lesson: Never make fun of your teacher in front of the class.

Coming back to this budget thing, though most of the times we discuss girls, a few of my intellectual friends sometime rake up discussions on Economy and stuff like that. They talk all about the need to open up the retail sector, Disinvestment - its pros and cons and about the shares that are performing well in the market while I look around in an empty gaze and sometimes nod in between so that I am not left out of the intellectual discussion.

Friend: The GDP is 'X' % and the economy is booming.
Me: Cut the crap man! Can you tell how much raise will I get?

These days I have stopped surfing news channels because their Budget analysis keeps reminding me of my ineptness, my failure. As if that's not enough, I get these threatening calls from my office accountant and CA who threaten to deprive me of my salary amount if I don't furnish a thousand and one relevant proof and forms by the first day of the month.

Accnt: Agar apni poori salary salamat chahte ho to kal raat 12 baje Mandir ke peeche wali pahadi par Form 12(b), Rent receipt aur investment proof ke saath aa jaana.
Me: Itni jaldi main itne forms ka intezaam kahan se kar paaunga.
Accnt: To fir bheekh maangne ko taiyaar rehna. Ha ha ha ha..(disconnects the phone)

Till today after 20 months of being in service, the TDS(tax deducted at source) for me is like a 'guess the number' game. I still take the tax cuts on my salary as God's way of punishing me for all my sins in that month. With a few bucks missing, I still feel emancipated.

Its the third day of the month now and the media coverage has shifted focus from budget to Dubyaman's entourage and the sniffer dogs they have brought with them. Moreover, I think that I have confessed more than what Abu Salem would have confessed after the Third degree grilling by the Mumbai Police. So, till the demon in the form of the FM returns with a suitcase in his hand in the Parliament next year, let me just try and start life afresh.

"Chubhte kaante yaadon ke..daaman se chunta hoon..ye hai meri kahani"