Things that Remain Unsaid..

One of my friends remarked after reading my recent blogs that if my Dad gets to read what I write, he will disown me for good. The chances of this happening are remote as Dad generally keeps away from the 'good-for-nothing' computers and has employed me part time to log-in to check his e-mails. That said, I pondered over what grudge I harbor against him that I involve him in my silly gimmicks to generate humor? After much introspection, I seem to have got an answer.

Dad's first book was published the year in which I was born. Its been a long time since then but over the years I developed a 'sibling rivalry' kinda thing with that book. While it gained success under the name of 'A Text Book of Algebra', I struggled hard to make any impression. Today, that book perhaps fetches more bucks than what I earn in an year. This constant realisation of defeat at the hands of a 300 page book maybe sparked off the recent spate of outbursts evident in a few of my last posts.

Phew! Man, am I not good at this soul searching and understanding my psyche stuff?

This brings me to another point. The father-son relationship and all the complications that surround it. This relationship is generally of awe and respect. Fathers and sons do not bond at the same level a mother-son bond for that matter. It has got to do maybe with the way we males are. Display of emotions is not our forte. We might feel all the love and affection for each other but taking the next step is always like taking a leap across a giant ocean. We might reciprocate but we do not initiate. The reluctance to take that next step slowly becomes a habit and then we forget even contemplating to walk that extra mile leading to the creation of a void in the relation that neither of the parties know how to fill. You have your questions but you stop to seek their answers by walking upto you father and he waits on his side wondering why you stopped asking him questions which he sometimes struggled to answer once you grew out of the "Papa, aasmaan neela kyun hota hai", "din ke baad raat aati hai ya raat ke baad din?" phase.

The void then starts to act as an excuse for your failures and frustrations at times. An unfamiliar resentment creeps in and it sometimes leads you into becoming a rebel. You feel that he never cared or understood what you ever felt and your Dad feels that you no longer need him to be around the way he used to be when you were taking your first steps or when you were first learning to ride your bicycle. Although blaming him for all your woes would be an extreme form of that resentment but I have seen that happening. Relationships fail at this juncture and that's probably the worst turn that all this emotional void can take.

In other cases, there might be no resentment but a positive struggle to make yourself worthy enough to overcome that void and go back to him someday. That is one struggle that I feel, I continue to make.

For some, earning money is a way of making life a successful journey, for others it has got to do with following their hearts and making the journey worth the walk. But for me the greatest journey would be the one that would take me back to home, when I will be able to look into my Dad's eyes and see that he feels proud of me in some way. That day maybe we'll sit and reminisce the innocent, good old days of my childhood and I might just ask him the same stupid question once again,"Papa, aasmaan neela kyun hota hai?" I know that he will be having all the answers prepared when that time comes. That would probably be his way of telling me that he too had been waiting for that moment all that while. Didn't I tell you that overt display of emotions has never been our forte!