The Great Indian Wedding!

Marriage season is here and my only problem with it is that it has screwed my holiday planner for the rest of the year. I am sure that by the end of it all, there would be a few disgruntled faces but let me make use of this opportunity to inform beforehand that my schedule is packed more than that of the Indian Cricket Team and I can’t do anything about it! The fact that it saves me the pain of running at the last moment to a gift store to buy something and then getting it gift wrapped is a huge plus that I cannot ignore.

Yesterday was the first of the weddings that I attended in the action packed season. It was the first marriage that I was attending in a long-long time and it was quite an eventful one at that. Now enough of self-indulgence. I actually wanted to recount the characters you would find at such weddings. I found some yesterday but I would talk generic to include some more. So here it goes:

The Bride and The Groom

Poor souls! This is one day they are supposed to be happy and all cheerful but faith and photographers have other things in store for them. After weeklong hectic rituals, they are made to sit on a majestic pair of chairs while photographers sit and run their puppet show with them.

Photographer 1: Sir ji aap sar upar kijiye, Bhabhi ji aap thoda sharmaate hue neeche dekhein, Thanks!

Photographer 2: Sir ji ke dost aap bewakoofon ki tareh na hansein aur peeche khade ho jayein. Picture kharab ho rahi hai

Friends and family come up on the dias with their kids, pose with the couple and then make a retreat while the two hapless people are left showing their pearly teeth incessantly.

Photographer 1: Sir ji aapko daant andar nahi karne..please smile kijiye, Thanks!

Chachajis

There are two categories of Chachajis – real ones and then the self proclaimed ones. The real ones look all serious. Surveying and scrutinizing every minute detail.

“Ye paani ka fawwara yahan kyun laga diya hai, bachche geeley ho jayenge”

The self proclaimed ones go around with a swagger, telling all and sundry how the groom actually peed in their laps when he was a kid. Their claim to fame is their neighborhood association with the groom’s family.

“Arre ye to paida hi mere saamne hue tha. Hum bahut close neighbours hain”

Chachaji ke Bachche

They are the next generation neighbors who have actually played gully Cricket with the groom. They might not know if the marriage they are attending is actually a love marriage dished out as an arranged one for society’s sake and the orthodox values held by the family but they claim to ‘know all’ about the boy.

“Arre ye to aadha time hamare ghar pe hi rehta tha. Asal mein mera chhota bhai iske saath padha tha aur ye mujhe bilkul apne bade chai jaisa manta hai”

Yeah, I got you mate!

Lost Souls

These people know no one except the bride or the groom. These include colleagues and college friends. They don’t know any one else in the family and the only one they know is held at ransom by the relentless photographers who show no mercy.

Photographer 1: Sir ji aapne fir se sar neeche kar liya. Aur ye pair thode aage kijiye, Thanks!

These lost souls look all lost until the groom sends someone from the family to take good care of them. As if 'good care' translates to making one comfortable at the bar, they are led to a secluded area which has arrangements for hookahs, cigarettes and all other things that you are asked to abstain from as a kid. There is a misconception that greater care means forcing people to gulp down more than they can handle. The already lost souls try hard to find other ways to divert the attention. They bore the other people with talks about their college or workplace stories and form their own group within the larger drunken group. I, for one, get on the offensive and attack one of my acquaintances in the group with soft verbal barrage. The hosts feel that I have been taken ‘care’ of and I am saved of the pestering.

DJ

Delhi DJs who perform specifically in weddings and can’t think beyond “Baari Barsi” songs are a treat to watch while they change tracks. Just when the people start swaying, they blurt out something as stupid as:

“Ye poora program organize kiya hai Raju Sharma ji ne”

The good thing about them is that they don’t act fussy and would repeat a song 10 times if you want to. You don’t need to haggle with them as they are no DJ Aqeels and have no reputation to protect. Play what you please but bear with the – “Saare relatives aa jaayein dance floor pe” act time and again.

Lat but not the least, the most difficult part is making a retreat later in the night. When you are almost out, one of the brothers of the groom, who happens to know you sees you escaping. You freeze as he comes along with a smile:

Bhai: Abhi kahan ja raha hai?

You: Bas bhaiya wo idhar hi thoda (Main aur kya karne rukun?)

Bhai: Abhi to ferey aur saari rasmein baaki hain

You: Haan haan bas aa gaya (Rasmein..meri shaadi ho rahi hai kya?)

Finally, you camouflage yourself in the bevy of other guests who are leaving and make an exit with pleasant memories of the beautiful girl in the blue dress and the navratan chutney that you savored while the girl in blue walked so close past you that you could tell the name of the fragrance she was wearing. Indian weddings are indeed great.